Lesson Learned....cont.

Sometime life's lesson tend to kick you in the gut.
I feel like that right now. You would think that with all the wisdom I am surrounded by mistakes like this wouldn't happen, but inevitably I am a sinner and my thoughts get consumed with doubt.
I few post back I talked about starting a family. Since I do our finance, I knew that this would require an extreme amount of faith. Since control comes more naturally to me then faith does, I chose to get a second job to build up our savings. Mike is going to school, so I thought it would be easy to manage a 60 hour week. :)
Never mind the stories we have been hearing in church about getting caught up with money, things, planning. Never mind the fact that I just read about trusting in God to provide. Let's try things Amanda's way, because that always seems to make more sense.
So I started work, and so started the stress, panic attacks, long hours, restless sleeps, and dread of work altogether. Sounds like fun! But all the while I kept telling myself, I can be used here, God wants me here, this will be like a mission field. Well, I think when we find ourselves out of God's will no matter how hard we fight it, he wins. (praise God!!)
The future scares the heck out of me. So many questions, so little answers, so many "wants". I have such a yearn for holiness. Sometimes I wish God would take it all away, so I can be completely His. The people of Kenya praise God because they know everything good comes from him, there is no option. Here, I have Walmart or Target, paper or plastic, to work or not to work.
I think it's hard to suck up "life's lessons" and admit that you made a mistake.
I made a mistake.