This might get messy...

I have been trying to evaluate my life lately in the spiritual sense. I wanted to work on the areas where I trust most and least. It's been especially hard in the areas I have least faith because part of me (who's kidding, most of me) isn't ready to give it to him.

This week my studying is about finances. In my life, I trust God a lot with this area. I believe that if am faithful to him with our tithe, he will bless us. And he hasn't let us down, which makes the areas I trust least even harder to handle. Why do I think he won't provide when I get tested? Why does this "area" scare me so much?

I guess I should just jump to the case, it's kids. The last few days I have felt different about this issue. I have a wonderful group of girls that I get to share life with every week. All of them either have or are having a kid. This doesn't bother me. I don't feel pressure to have a kid just because they have one, and I love spending time with their children. I look up to them and love hearing their raw advice about marriage, life and motherhood. Mike and I have always said that we want to wait for children. I was married when I was 20, so I'm in no rush. I love hanging out with my hub, being spontanious, and being alittle selfish with my money (I told you this might get messy).
I have always had an issue with birth control. (boys- you might want to skip this paragraph) Yes, I take it, but I have struggled knowing if it's God's plan for me. I don't judge anyone who takes BC, but it makes me feel like I play God. Now, I'm not one of those woman who would have 10 kids because she didn't believe in alittle protection. I think God also calls us to be wise with what he has given us. I looked into the natural way, taking your temperature, ext., but isn't that the same thing? I don't really have an answer on this, right now my thought is "if God wanted me to have kids, BC couldn't stop that".

This last week, I have seriously thought about being a mom.
These are my thoughts about that...
-Is it because my house is in order, and I feel more confident about that?
-Is it because my friends are having kids, and it would be nice to have them grow up together?
-Is it because I feel like I need a change, and starting a family is definetely a change?
-Is it because God is calling to me to trust him and go out of my comfort zone for a really long time?
-I have had dreams about images of being parents (crazy, I know)

Reason's why I have doubts...
-I always thought I wouldn't work full time when we had kids, but looking at our finances now, I don't think I would have an option. (see, lack of faith that God would provide)
-Mike is in school and I really want him to finish, but he has a year and a half left (on paper that doesn't look to long)
-I never thought I would have kids away from my mom :(
-I tell people, even to this day, "no kids for me, for a looonnngg time".
-Maybe I am funneling my restlessness with life with having kids. I feel like whenever life seems to stand still I have to change it (example- moving to NC, although I know God did that, getting a dog, looking for a new job- when I know this is what I am suppose to do)
-I don't know if Mike feels the same way. He is such a wonderful man, but having a kid definetely changes your "plans". And I even told him "Don't talk to me about having kids til atleast 25".

I know that no one felt ready to have kids. But I'm not sure I even like kids. (laugh) I mean I like the ones that are directly in my life- nieces, nephews, friends kids- I like, but screaming kids in the store, not so much. And I'm sure having your own child changes a lot. I can't believe I am blogging about this. This is pretty raw for me, so I'm going to stop now.

Could you pray that I could trust God in the areas that I am weak? This is just one of many...